“Complicated letters from disturbed and miserable families and their simplified replies”.

(Please enclose a reply envelope with complete address and do not be impatient for response.)

Friend of good and bad times: I have a close friend. His mother expired a month ago. People from far off visited him but I did not go. It is my limitation that I do not go on funerals. I think for about a week and when the situation becomes normal, I pay a visit. I did the same with my friend. But he got dejected. Now we have very limited relations. I feel grieved that he should not have changed his behavior. My brothers say that I should not worry as I will find many other friends. But certain things are to be cared about and whenever recalled, attention is diverted towards the same.
Zohaib, Rawalpindi

Advice:Those who share happiness and sorrows are real friends. The grief of mother’s loss is a great grief and if someone who is not there with you at that time is not a friend indeed. The behavior your friend is displaying with you is not surprising. He should have done the same. In fact anyone in his place would have behaved similarly. Actually some people are afraid of death and they are bewildered to attend funerals.  This behavior is very non realistic and contradictory to others’ feelings. If you believe in reality of death and have ever felt its anguish, then whether someone is a friend or not, you should share his grief. This way you lessen the intensity of his sorrow. Those who share other’s sorrows, people never forget them. Even if they are strangers, they become good friends due to your kind and sympathetic attitude. And if you are not along in his times of sorrow, it takes no time for a good friend to become a stranger.

I cry a lot: I cry a lot and I do so whether there is a cause for it or not. Initially everyone was very caring. But now my mother in law becomes very upset and says that there is no need to cry. She does not even think that this hurts me more. Presently my husband is working abroad to gather income for the marriages of his sisters. He says that it is a matter of a few years only and that he alone will save so much that the marriages can take place in a befitting manner. He has only two sisters. It will be peace when the obligation of their marriages is fulfilled. He is not realizing that his own daughter is also growing up. He does not let me live with my mother for his family will become lonely. Whereas, my mother in law and her daughters can go anywhere for as many days as they want.
Fehmida, Peshawar

Advice:Crying is an indication of despair and crying profoundly is sort of an illness of depression. You are certainly going through great agony. Your husband is scarifying by living far off and you are striving all alone with all the troubles and worries. Communicate with him through a letter or phone and convince him to reduce his stay abroad. Adopt modesty in marriage ceremonies. There is no need for great pomp and show. Till the time your husband comes back, act with patience and serenity. Face the conditions with courage and tolerance.  During this seek his permission to visit your parents, brothers and sisters along with your children. Otherwise go out in some park etc for a change. A walk in fresh atmosphere also inflicts pleasant effects on human mind and reduces despair. Communicate with your children and spend time with them. Attention can also be diverted like this.

I wish I had no child: When my son was 5 years old, his principal called me and said that my son cannot be kept in the school any longer and that I should make some other arrangements for him. And then it happened the same way. I started teaching him at home. He was fine in studies but when he was in company with the children of his age group or younger ones, he would bother them by acting weird. I used to keep him locked at home otherwise he would go out and quarrel with other kids. At times he would throw things from the window on the passers-by. He had no idea as to how dangerous he was becoming for others and this thing intensified as he grew up. At time he would undergo paroxysm and go unconscious. He would suffer from minor fits. This condition used to continue for a few seconds and then turn normal. He did his matriculation privately from home. He was treated by a psychiatrist for a few months but the treatment was discontinued as there was no worthwhile improvement. He is such a trouble for me that I cannot express. My husband says as to what kind of mother I am? You cannot tolerate the doings by your child. How can I make him understand that he can do anything at anytime? I can neither sleep nor remain awake. I wish he had not come to this world. I do not have any other child. I have spent my entire life in his worry. At times I think that something happens to him and he stays at one place.

Farah Ali, Islamabad

Advice:          You are a courageous lady who is striving since long for the cure of her mentally ill son. You also did well by giving him education. But the solution to your problem is not in worrying about your son, remaining upset and thinking negatively. Anything granted by destiny in whatever form, should be accepted as it is as there is betterment in the same. As a human, painful thoughts may come to mind, but one should not get influenced by them. With regards to your son’s treatment, there is a need to take some positive steps. You must take him to a good psychiatrist. It seems that he is suffering from mental disorder. It is inappropriate to desire that he stays at one place. Even normal people cannot remain sitting at a place. But it is necessary that his behavior is improved. With the right treatment, he will not remain a hazard for himself and others.